"Mon": I like having a bad attitude

In life things don’t always go how you plan them. You probably know this by now, because frankly most of you guys are older than I am. Personally I plan so little that when these few things don’t go well, it seems like every event ever has gone terribly. I’d like to say that when things go differently I roll with it, I move on and make due smiling like an idiot…. Actually that usually is how I deal with things. Just move on, I’m not really a smiler but I’ll usually try and keep making jokes when things don’t go well and laugh it off. But all that “move on, shake it off” rhetoric seems to be purely external. Privately it seems I enjoy hating things, dwelling on the unbelievable injustices, and really immersing myself in misery. It’s such a weird, strange and backwards idea.

Usually when I have a bad attitude about something, I’ll listen to angry or sad music, I’ll spend more time by myself because explaining this stuff to other people is a pain. Sometimes I’ll just walk or drive around and try and ignore all the amazing things that God has done for me. It’s hard but possible. In fact I'll consciously ignore everything that I know will put me back in a good mood. I'll avoid my family, phone calls, funny movies, my dog, good music, quiet times, all of it. I'll actually run away from it so I can delve deeper into a stronger attitude.

A good strong bad attitude is great, relatively speaking of course. It feels good, almost like sitting inside under a blanket late at night, possibly reading while it rains outside. It's like being that kid that walks and makes fun of all the other kids who are running because they were told to. It's like speeding on a freeway, or talking during a movie. It's a pure focus on self, and self feels really good to focus on.

The most amusing thing about the idea is that I sincerely doubt I’m alone. At least I kind of hope I’m not alone. All those kids with the hair in their eyes and the skintight jeans would suggest that I’m not alone. I would guess that everyone likes to be in a bad mood, to stalk around and blame everything on someone else and count how the deck is stacked against them. It feels oddly gratifying. Isn’t it odd that we pursue happiness all our lives, it’s what this country (the US) was founded on, and yet we’re only really happy when we have something to complain about. We’re only happy when we’re miserable.
I imagine is has something to do with us being fallen and sick people embracing sick practices. I think on a very shallow level it gives us meaning. I should really stop speaking for other people though, on a shallow level I feel like it gives me meaning. Seeing things that are adverse, things that I can complain about gives purpose to my life, past and future. In the past it shows that because these things bug me, because I find these things unacceptable I must have experienced things better than this. In the future it gives me something to try and fix, and even if I can’t fix it, it gives me an amazing opportunity to be a martyr. Honestly I love being a martyr (lower-case “m”).

I’m not sure why I felt like talking about this today, especially since this space is usually reserved for my lighter, more capricious ideas. Maybe I was just having a hard time being light, and thinking that whimsy is stupid. It even sounds stupid as a word. More likely it’s because like the enjoyment of a bad attitude; it’s really just narcissism. Like the rest of this blog really, so I guess really it fits right in.

"Fri": I look forward to moving to S.D.

God in his infinite wisdom has deemed it time for me to leave home. Also in His wisdom He decided to send me to a warm place with a beach, so currently I am very much down with His plan. It is kind of sad to leave the place of my birth, family, friends, and Quiktrip, but I don’t really see it as a leaving so much as an extending of my world. That actually sounds like a really hippy thing to say, but I feel it’s pretty true. Arizona will always be home, always. I’m sure the first blog post I’ll write when I get to San Diego will be about how much I miss AZ, but for now, I’m focusing on the positives of God moving me out to a new place.

The first and possibly most important reason I’m looking forward to heading out west is because I’ll still have family there. Growing up family was number 2 behind God and that’s it. It was above friends, it was above work, it was even above the law. (I’m not sure what “above the law” means exactly, or what that looks like, and everytime I type it I hear it in Sylvester Stallone’s voice). I liked that. I liked that I had people that in every situation would be on my side and cheer for me. Well, most situations anyway. I didn’t want to really push the envelope too much but I’m confident they would have had my back if something happened. It’s a good feeling knowing that I’m not totally losing that going to San Diego.

We gave this whole San Diego thing a trial run this past weekend and one of the cooler things I’ve noticed about the place is that things are pretty random. There’s not the order and cleanness of the strip mall that pervades so much of the Phoenix area. It’s just a bunch of “mom and pop” coffee and donut joints, Pho noodle stores, Police museums and Farmers markets all thrown seemingly haphazardly together. To add to the randomness is the curvy streets that never allow you to see further than an eighth mile ahead of you at a time. Just driving around can be full of surprises.

Sometimes you just need solidness and reliability though. For that I would have to point to the ocean. Living by the ocean last summer was incredible, to have that reminder of God’s amazing scope of creation, especially when you go at night and can see it in turn with the stars…..It’s something I really enjoy. It helps me think and focus on God. Going to San Diego and being around God's humongous ocean it’s like the difference people must’ve felt between hearing a classical piece of music over the scratchy radio, and seeing it live in a hall, sitting feet away from the cellos, if that makes sense.

Finally I’m looking forward to going to work. People ask me what I’ll be doing in San Diego and I tell them “I’m going into ministry with the Navigators at SDSU” and truthfully that’s as far as I know. I have an idea of what that’s going to look like from what I’ve seen in the lives of friends in ministry, but not a solid, exact description and set of tasks like I’ve had for the past 7 years of my working life. I simultaneously really look forward to it and am worried about it. I’m not really a worrier, so we’re going to focus on the “looking forward to” aspect. Also God has promised me more than a few times that things are going to be alright and not to worry. With that in mind it’s easier to look forward to being a part of and witnessing the work out there.

By the way I have another blog that I’m using to keep track of the San Diego/EDGE/God stuff that’s a little more serious. I have a link in the sidebar or you can just go to www.gabeonamission.blogspot.com to check that out and maybe follow along there.

Thur: I miss my Nana and Tata

First of all, Merry Christmas. I hope this has been a special day for you and your family thus far. Christmas has always been a big festivity in my family. Holidays overall were always observed or celebrated whole heartedly. It’s one of the things I love about my family. Whenever I’ve tried to figure out exactly where this passion for holidays or celebrations comes from, I always arrive at the same answer, my Nana and Tata.

Nana and Tata loved Christmas. Their house was always crazy busy and loud on Christmas day, with relatives and friends stopping by all day to see them, maybe exchange presents and have a tamale. They enjoyed participating in every aspect of the Christmas celebration, their house was always beautifully decorated for Christmas. They always had a real Christmas tree that was decorated by their grandkids or great grandkids. The tree was always overseeing lots of presents too, I’m not sure how they did it every year but they made sure to buy at least one gift for everyone in their family, and usually more than one for the kids. One year they even got all the kids new bikes, something we all talk about this day. Before opening presents though Nana would always make sure that we read the story of Christ’s birth as a family, so everyone would remember the reason for the gifts and celebration. Afterwards people would just spend time at their house. They cultivated such a festive atmosphere of happiness and love leaving their house to continue the circuit of houses that needed to be visited was always incredibly hard. It was something I will always look back on with amazement and gratitude to them for sharing that outlook with the rest of the family.
That was just the kind of people they were though. My Nana was an incredibly generous person with everything she owned. She was the type of woman who never let anyone leave the house without making sure that they had enough food to take home to last them a week. The food never lasted that long though because inevitably people couldn’t help but polish it off in what would probably be considered an unhealthily short period of time :). My Tata was a hard worker who took pride in his home. He enjoyed having people over and teaching them about the things that need to be valued, family, diligence, and God. He might not have sat them down and explained these things in so many words, but he set an example that was impossible to ignore.

So really I miss them throughout the year. Whenever I drive past their part of town, see a western movie on television, work on a car or yard, or make something in the kitchen I think of them. At Christmas though I miss them a lot more, the void they left is just so much larger this time of year. I’m happy about that. I’m glad it hurts every Christmas that they’re not here, because it reminds me how important they were in my and many other people’s life. It’s a pain I value beyond description and hope I never lose. That is, at least until I see them again.

Monday: I Like Christmas Shopping

Like most people, there’s a lot of things I really like about the Christmas season. I enjoy singing Christmas carols in church. I like seeing people in the neighborhood decorate their houses. Watching the old Christmas cartoons and movies that come on all day, everyday, starting right after Thanksgiving never gets old. I like reading through the actual Christmas story with my family or friends to help remind me what the focus of the season should be. Aside from all that stuff though, I also enjoy doing the yearly Christmas shopping.

It’s probably because I have a relatively small list of targeted gift receivers. If I was part of a 12 kid family or something, I probably wouldn't be a huge fan of this particular activity. Also an important distinction probably needs to be made here; I don’t really like normal shopping. I hate going out and buying new clothes, wandering around a mall, or comparing prices trying to beat the retail system. Christmas shopping is different though. It’s about other people. It’s like this game where someone sent you out on a treasure hunt to find something, anything, from this list they gave you. Or if they wanted to be particularly risk taking (or possibly lazy), just sent you out with nothing but vague impressions of what they would like, based on what you’ve learned about them when hanging out together. Like a test to see if you’ve been paying attention the past 11 months. As an introvert who enjoys just sitting back and observing people, it’s weirdly fun to try and profile your friends and family to find a present they might like.

Shopping at Christmas time differs in other ways also. Obviously, the closer you get to Christmas the busier all the stores get, and the more frantic people get as they start to stress out about adequately participating in the festivities of the 25th. As a happy side note of all that craziness, it means that when I actually do head out to knock out the yearly gift purchasing, in spite of the larger, crazier crowds, it’s actually more peaceful. Confused? Let me explain. There’s few things more awkward then sitting in a store, trying to pick out the stuff you need or just looking around all while trying to dodge all the employees that work there. I’m sure they mean well coming over and asking you if you need help every time they see you, but at times it comes off a little like they really just have no confidence that you’ll ever find what you’re looking for and just end up wandering the aisles until the store has to force you out so they can close. All the craziness also saves you having to make too much small talk with the super busy cashier or whoever. And don’t think that the cashier is too broken up missing out on hearing your super interesting holiday plans either. I know first hand that as interesting as those small talks were with customers, time goes much faster when it’s busy and I didn’t have to say anything other then “hey how’s it going, here’s your total, Merry Christmas.” So along with the game aspect of finding that mystery item that makes sense to give your friend or family member, there’s the added bonus of being able to take care of it while getting lost in the crowd, which as I stated earlier can be very peaceful.

There’s a bunch of other cool things about looking for Christmas gifts. There are the awesome decorations going on all over town (I’m kind of a sucker for decorations). There’s the general happy vibe that everyone has knowing that they are going to get to celebrate a holiday soon. For some people there’s also the added bonus of an activity that naturally lends itself to making a list and progressively crossing things off (let’s see…. I got him something, *check*, her something *check*, that family is taken care of *check* etc.), I’m not really into that, but I know a lot of people who are. The best thing though is probably the simplest, the excitement that comes from the knowledge that you are putting effort into making someone else’s life a little better. Even if it is just by giving them a bunch of DVD’s or super plush towels. You experience that feeling of being selfless that comes so infrequently outside of the holiday season. So the base essence of the enjoyment of the wonderful thing that is Christmas shopping is the awesome opportunity it gives you to think of others, what they mean to you, and allows you to show some gratitude and affection in such a simple way.